Multiplayer glitches and annoyances

1. A game's just finished and you're waiting for the little ticks to appear in the boxes but one player doesn't press ready. Who knows when he'll be back? The only way out of this screen is to leave multiplayer altogether so you have to wait for loading twice to get back to another game.

2. You jump into a GTA 4 race but it's already started and all you can do is 'spectate'. Not much fun, especially when the players show no intention of racing and it turns into an endless deathmatch!

Other glitches I've encountered: all players have ticked ready and the game doesn't start, or the countdown sticks at 1. And why on earth don't players realise when a game leader just isn't there? He gets a couple of kicks but there's no response. The player table fills up and it looks like it would have been a good game, but then people lose patience and leave.

I was getting a lot of disconnections recently and it was getting worse. Last night every game I started immediately threw me off, and even connecting back to the game provider was 'slow'. The game advised me to check my connection, so I did (PS3, wireless broadband). The problem could be my modem / router thingy. I tried "turning it off and on again". This did the trick and connection has been great since.

Cheating in GTA 4 deathmatches

When I started playing deathmatches certain other players would obliterate me with bullets no matter how stealthily I tried to approach. I'd sneak around buildings, boxes and barricades but they'd be there, perfectly aimed to decapitate me as soon as I broke cover.

I thought they were cheating somehow, probably on a PC. I played on in the hope that such shenanigans weren't too widespread and I've progressed to level 6. Learning how to use auto-aim is a big part of achieving success. Furthermore, I think there might be some sort of duelling equation which decides who's going to win a shoot out, with player ranking factored heavily in the formula. This means a high-ranked player will always tend to beat a lower-ranked player.

The moral of this is clear - persevere; build your rank and you'll start winning. Only problem is people will think you're cheating.

Ingredients of a good Deathmatch

I find the best deathmatches have between 5 and 10 players. Too many and the chances of someone respawning next to your clever hiding place become too great.

Auto-aim or not? I like auto-aim. I'm good at using it to my advantage. I understand that it diminishes the skill factor and I respect those who refuse to play with it. Without doubt it changes the entire character of the game. When it's off I play differently - searching for sniper rifles and high places. Cars and bikes are safer too.

Respawn distance is the key to stopping the game descending into farce. I recently learned this when I set a game in the airport with Near respawning and a 1 second respawn time. Players were appearing, killing, and being killed constantly. After 10 minutes of this our scores were high but I'm sure everyone was getting as bored as I was. Embarrassing, as I had been thinking about what makes a good match and had been critical of others' choices.

The odd off-the-wall game, for example with only 'projectile' weapons (which include Molotov cocktails and grenades?!), can be fun. If you try setting this up you'll be kicked a bit - some players can't cope with anything other than guns. I recently had such a game at the airport that made me laugh out loud as players drove chaotically around the runway trying to mow down the pedestrians who were lobbing firebombs at them, with helicopters divebombing everybody.

Revenge requires patience

You know those players who hang around GTA Race respawn checkpoints and kill you, time after time? Generally speaking they aren't very good racers; nor are they particularly good shooters. They like easy, unarmed targets.

Two of them were working together on a Round The Block race and I got caught. I must have died 30 times, but I hung in there until the race finished. Everyone else left the group as soon as it finished so I was left with these two. They started another race on the same track, and, inevitably, I saw their blips stop on the map, waiting for me to come around again.

This time I was prepared, so I got out of the car a little way before them and waited behind a wall.

Now, they say auto-aim isn't for real men but everyone has the same advantage - as long as they know how to use it. The knack is seeing your opponent before they see you. Hide behind a wall and move the camera so you can see above it or around it. As soon as you spot your opponent, lock on the aim and it will follow them even though they're now blocked by the wall. As soon as they come around be fast on the trigger and you'll blast them (with the requisite slight upward tilt of the joystick to get a headshot, of course).

So this is how I got my revenge. After a couple of kills they gave up and started shooting each other, leaving me to win the race, and a cool $1200.